Stalker Series Part VI – Creepy Stalking…BAGELS!

I need you to know that I really debated on stalking this kid versus just making the darn oatmeal cookies that just looked so freaking delicious that I almost started it at midnight.  I mean, really…how creepy is it to stalk a kid who is almost young enough to be your son…assuming you had a baby when you were a [very, VERY young] teenager. 

Probably no more creepy than me leaving a comment on his blog that said, “If I were still in High School, I’d follow you all around campus in hopes of getting some cookies.” Not that I would do that [at least not that I admit]. That would be crazy.

So, here was my dilemma.  I really want to stalk the kid but my better sense and judgment said, “Don’t do it, Jen.  They may throw your @$$ in the can and how awkward would that be to explain to your family, friends, boss, and pastor why you were in jail??”  But then I thought, what if he didn’t KNOW i was stalking him and just made up MENTAL conversations with him? That wouldn’t really cross any boundaries, right??  I battled the crazies in my head and realized that it was even creepier that way.

So screw it.  I’m just going to stalk him the old fashioned way.  [I can hear the conversations now…”folks, I thought you should know that there’s this old bag who’s old enough to be my mom…well, she’s stalking me right now…”] Only, no thanks to a post, I saw on his blog, I’m now stalking him for his bagels.

I love me the bagel.  [Not the bagelheads in Japan because that’s even creepier than  stalking a teenager].  I mean the good old fashioned New York Style Bagel.  I saw Kamran’s bagel photos and nearly took a bite out of my monitor.  Join me in my adventures in trying to interpret this recipe since I only understood half of it.

Step 1: Pouring in the sugar and yeast in ½ cup of the warm water.  Warm water? Ummm…i can stick my finger in the water…is that warm?? Is it too warm if I can only do it for 5 seconds? I let it sit for five minutes…ok, 7 minutes because I forgot about it [as usual]. I stir the mixture until it dissolves.  Crap.  This is murky.  I can’t see if it’s all dissolved. screw it, what’s the worst that can happen??

Step 2: Mix the flour and salt in a large bowl. Make a well in the middle and pour in the yeast and sugar mixture. I add the remaining water as instructed…plus another 1/2 cup as not instructed.  Oh man.  WHY didn’t i do it a little at a time??  This is sticky, goopey mess.

Step 3: I’m supposed to flour the countertop.  At what point is it too much flour??  Oh wait…it probably doesn’t matter since my dough is still a sticky mess.  I knead the dough for about 10 minutes until it is smooth and elastic – or rather until my arms are about to fall off.  I mean, HOW DO THESE PEOPLE KNEAD THE DOUGH FOR SO LONG??  “Try to work in as much flour as possible to form a firm and stiff dough” the instructions said. Secretly, I’m hoping for firm and stiff arms instead.

Step 4: I brush the bowl with oil and turn the dough to coat – did I just remove the lightly brushed oil on the bowl when i turned the dough to coat? Does it matter?  Cover the bowl with a damp towel and let rise. During that hour, I did nothing productive.  Kamran, I’m sure, made 4 types of cookies, 3 tarts, 2 cakes, and roasted a partridge in a pear tree during that time*. 

Step 5: I punch the dough down, and let it rest for another 10 minutes.  Geez.  I hope I punched it down enough.  I’m not one for oppression or keeping anything down.

Step 6: I eyeball and attempt to cut 8 equal pieces of my very fluffy, puffy dough.   Unfortunately, my depth perception hasn’t been the same since my faulty lasik surgery so they come out in varying sizes. I saw the picture of Kamran’s hand shaping the equal [precisely measured] ball.  Ummm…I had to use 2 hands to shape it.  I hope to God he just has inordinately large hands and it isn’t because I really messed something up.  His photos on his blog show a perfect ball.  Mine looked like it was massacred by Edward Scissorhands. 

Step 7: I poke holes into the bagels.  Unevenly, of course. 

Step 8: I generously allow 15 minutes for my bagels to rest instead of the 10 minutes per the instructions…and not because I forgot about them [again]. Riiiight. 

Step 9: Time to boil the bagels. Hmmm…what exactly does he mean when he says that they’ll float to the top after a few seconds? Mine never sank. Were they supposed to?? Crap. I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Step 10: I’m still perplexed as to why my bagels are so freaking huge and puffy.  WTH?? I don’t even bother with the sesame topping because my bagels look more like balloons than bagels.  It would roll right off.

Step 12: aaahhh…20 minutes to surf the net while the bagels bake.  AND I actually remembered to set my timer. [score 10 points!]

Step 13: Too bad it only needed 17 minutes to brown.  *SIGH* [minus 15 points.]

Step 14: I toast one and had it with the best elderberry jam EVER.

Ok, so it came out puffier than I would’ve liked.  It’s my first try. I’m most definitely trying this again! Thanks for the encouragement, Kamran! [and for not calling the cops on me – special thanks for THAT!]

Please note: i’ve never baked with yeast before.  I was traumatized in high school chem by a disastrous lab assignment involving yeast and never really got over it.  Some people are afraid of public speaking – me, it’s yeast.

* I’m still trying to get over the fact that this 17 year old has produced this amazing blog, does his homework, takes AP courses, and bakes like a maniac. When I was in high school, my favorite past times included trying to see how long I could go without opening a textbook, getting my homework done DURING class, and picking lint out of my belly button.  Those were good times.